horoscope symbols

HORRORSCOPES

Diversions

What horrors are in store for you?

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Someone claims to have seen you wreaking havoc in a place you swear you did not go. You must have an evil doppelgänger.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 22)

Satisfy your Halloween sweet tooth fast, for a ravenous beast lives within you. Release the beast and eat that candy corn.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 21)

The planets will align next week in your favor, so you ought to cram in some cherishable memories before the zombie apocalypse. That must be why your local hardware store is having a sale.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

There is an awful stench invading your home. It’s time to investigate, although you may want to bring an exorcist along with you.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 19)

Expect an incident in the weeks preceding Halloween with an entire colony of bats when you’re trying to park in the North Lot. So many bats… so many…

Pisces (Feb. 20-March. 20)

This weekend will be a great time for good deeds, but you may want to think twice about adopting the mysterious child. Who is she, really? Why does she keep hiding in your closet?

Aries (March. 21-April. 20)

Demonic clowns are administering your next history exam, but you mustn’t let this stop you from going to class that day.

Taurus (April. 21-May. 20)

The stars suggest you add some extra garlic to your meals in the coming days, so it’s best not to question their advice. While you’re at it, arm yourself with holy water when you’re leaving campus late at night.

Gemini (May. 21-June. 20)

Someone rude may attempt to make you give up your seat in biology, so become Mr. Hyde. Your Dr. Jekyll won’t get in the way this time.

Cancer (June. 21-July. 22)

Don’t venture into that abandoned house near your home. Rumors you’ve heard prove themselves true, so beware the specters that creep within as they may invite you to tea.

Leo (July. 23-Aug.22)

Avoid using technology until All Hallows’ Eve passes. You will be receiving a series of disturbing voicemails from untraceable sources. They are all about cheese. You don’t even like cheese.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Virgo, your purity and good nature may get you in a lot of trouble soon. Refuse a drink from the handsomely hairy gentleman at the bar during the next full moon, no matter how charming.